112009 (not creative.)

I never thought I'd be that guy doing work on a Friday night. I slacked off a lot during the week because my mind was focused elsewhere, and after receiving a slightly bitchy email from a normally relaxed superior of mine, I had to get my ass in gear to finish some spreadsheets for her that were supposed to be done by the time I left the office on Thursday afternoon. Well, not only did I finish them, but I ended up getting a lot more work done for my project, so I don't feel that bad about it. But it still sucks that I had to say no to my friends tonight. I really wanted to go out with them. I couldn't go to Light Up Night because of the basketball game through which Liam and I had to suffer. Don't get me wrong, it was a good game, our team did well, and I love the players and Agnes, but we were both exhausted and had other places to be. Sometimes the beginning of the season can be a little lame, but the tournament trips are worth it.
I'm sitting at the table in between Posvar and David Lawrence, and I see people walk through here from time to time and wonder what the hell they could be doing here as well--why they aren't out having a blast as the city of Pittsburgh prepares for a holiday season by getting schwasted in the streets.
I am excited for Sunday, yet I am pretty terrified for the Functional exam I'm going to take on Tuesday. The actual exam was on Friday, but I convinced my teacher to allow me to take it a few days later because of my being extremely ill and missing a lot of class at the beginning of the exam block. Now I'm not so sure that these extra days are going to help me at all. I have only done a little bit of studying for a massive test, and it's not like Sunday will be helpful to me. I'll be dead when we get back here, even if we are getting out earlier than we did last weekend.
Speaking of that. I might have forgotten to mention that last weekend, a few of us from Pitt Drumline went out to audition for Elements Indoor Percussion in Ohio. I was with the snares for most of the day, but after dinner, one of the guys in charge came up to me after we warmed up outside for a little and asked me if I wanted to go inside to work with the basses. He explained to me that they needed someone who had snare chops to play bass one. I'm not going to lie. It was really exciting to hear that for several reasons, and it was the chance for me to do something completely new and awesome. I jumped at the chance, and I've been working for the past week to improve my technique. That's really what I need to focus on because splitting parts is something I'm already pretty good at. Anyway, I just got some of the show music today, which pumped me up even more for the upcoming day in Zanesville.

My arm is starting to go a bit numb from being elevated like this at the computer for about 2 hours. I'm sure that's not healthy.

This semester is almost over. The time is drawing closer when I need to make the grand revelation to my family, as well as to a few more friends. The senior game is coming up, and even though I am coming back to march next year, this will be the last time my freshman class takes the field together. It's been an honor and a pleasure to march with these guys, even though we've all had rough patches with one another in the past. I have a very unique relationship with these guys, and it's one that is rather difficult to explain to those outside the line. I went through band camp with these guys, enjoyed and experienced the "extracurricular activities" with them, and have spent the majority of my free time playing and partying with them. Even if you don't become best friends through things like that, you certainly learn a lot about everyone. These people are my family, and like all families, we are with each other for better or for worse. I know that I have said a lot of random dumb shit in the past, but who doesn't bitch about things when he's angry or upset? Even temporary feelings deserve some sort of validation because they arose out of something, and they are there for a reason. I have a lot to say about my class and the drumline in general, and I just don't feel like this is the place for that. It's not that I have negative or hurtful things to say at all. It's that some things don't carry as much meaning across the boundary of experience. There are things among us that will never leave our circle because of this gap, and that makes those things even more special.

I really don't know what to do right now. I feel like I should keep studying for Neuro, but it is Friday night, and all of my friends are getting drunk at a gay bar. On the other hand, I could memorize more of this music for Sunday. I feel like I have a lot of energy right now, which is strange because I had none during the second half of the basketball game, even though I took an hour long nap beforehand.

Blah. I suppose I just hate having to go home to isolation. It's not that I don't enjoy time by myself. We all need that, of course. But I don't like living alone. At the end of the day, you should always have someone there for you, even if that person is upstairs sleeping in another room when you get home. I guess living with someone is some sort of physical manifestation of your friendship. It's a sign that somebody WANTED to live with you--cared that much about you. I'm sure there are other things that it means to me, but those are just the few that come to mind most easily right now.

Last night, I had a conversation with a person who is most likely the most fucked up human being I have ever met in my life. It made me realize how happy I am to be who I am and to have the outlook on life that I do. My philosophy of life really doesn't seem all that crazy or stupid in juxtaposition to this girl's. I shouldn't really say that. I mean, would I want someone to judge my life philosophy? Actually, yes. If something I am doing doesn't make any sense, is completely irrational, and threatens my own physical and mental well-being, I'd like to think that someone out there would say something to me. I wonder how some people can be so selfish. I wonder how they can be so closed-minded. I wonder how some people can be so oblivious to the world around them and to basic facts of human biology. It's amazing that some people who believe themselves to be so in touch with reality couldn't be further from it. I really hope this kid gets a wake up call some day soon. People shouldn't live that way, even if they claim they want to be depressed because it makes them feel smarter. I can't believe someone would so quickly equate happiness with stupidity. Finding happiness occurs through wisdom. I think I should stop talking about this before I get myself in trouble, but I'm of the general opinion that suicide is bad. Suicide is not the ultimate expression of taking control of one's life. (Keep in mind that we're not talking about people who have medical conditions and shit like that.) I think it's pretty much the opposite. Once you do it, you have no more control over your life. To me, the ultimate way to express that you have control over your life is to be literally seconds from committing suicide...and choose to live. At the lowest point in your life, you turn it around and say to the universe, "Fuck you. This is my life, the greatest gift that's been given to me, and nothing and no one can make me believe that my life is not worth it."
I think I can say things like this because I know what it's like to be at that point. I know what it's like to feel completely abandoned and like things are never going to be any better. But I trusted people. I trusted them when they told me that things would change--that they always do, and there's nothing you can do about it. I trusted my friends and family to help me through things I felt like I couldn't do. I kept going when all I wanted to do was run away. I kept walking through the door every day, and you know what? It does get easier.
Committing suicide is selfish for a variety of reasons, as a friend of mine pointed out. Obviously, there is the emotional shitbomb that's dropped on the victim's loved ones. But there's something else to it rather than just loss, and that's not trusting the people who care about you to actually take care of you. It's selfish to think that no one else can possibly understand you or help you. It takes a great deal of courage and humility to ask for and accept help, especially when you are at your lowest point, when you think that nothing in the world is going to help at all. But then again, that's when you have to trust that everything your friends and family have been telling you is going to benefit you. You need to trust that things to get better and that there are people there to make that happen for you as quickly as possible. Suicide is not courageous.
On the same token, I absolutely understand that some people literally don't have any close friends or family members. Some people do indeed have to go through a tremendous amount of shit alone. I'll skip the advice column shit here. I'm not going to tell these people what they need to do. I'm sure they've been told that before, and again, it's all about trusting that other people really aren't out to get you. My advice is not for these people. My advice is to the rest of the world. Please recognize that these people do exist. Please recognize that even the most charismatic, extroverted, jovial individual can be one of these people. But be especially mindful that those awkward, shy, lonely kids who go home alone at night might need a little more. Maybe all you need to do is laugh at a joke of theirs, even if it's not funny. Maybe all you have to do is have a 5 minute conversation about absolutely nothing in particular in order for that person to feel the power of human connection. Even things like that, which you might think are meaningless, matter. Sometimes when I'm having a shitty day, the best thing that can happen to me is to get a text from someone unexpected. The little things do matter. In everything. Paying attention to the little things is what makes people great. However, another attribute of greatness is the ability to see the bigger picture. I know it's trite as fuck, but sometimes you need to be reminded that sayings like that are valid. I guess this brings me to my philosophy. Balance. Equilibrium. Homeostasis.
It's not always about being stagnant. Homeostasis in the body is a dynamic process. Things get thrown out of balance all the time, and sometimes, this is a very good thing, like when your heart kicks into overdrive when you go out for a run, attempting to get more oxygen to your muscles. But everything always comes back down. Your life becomes balanced again when it needs to be. This is the way I think we should live. It's the way that I live, and I know that I fuck it up sometimes. But I'm trying.