Random Thoughts

You aren't the only one who is tired of playing the game. Maybe I keep doing it because I think that I'll win someday, but I've been losing thus far on multiple levels, and maybe the fact that I said something last night instead of just letting it slide was a really good thing. You're right. I need to talk to people about this, but I'm still afraid that people are going to keep saying that nothing is wrong and that I'm insane for even thinking that something could be a little off. Last night shouldn't have happened, and maybe that statement applies to more than one occurrence. I know it bothers you when I talk about it, and I wish you would have told me that a long time ago. It might be as simple as not mentioning it, not letting myself get worked up about it by trying to solve the same puzzle in the same way over and over again. I'm not saying that I wouldn't talk about it with anyone at all. I'm just saying that maybe there's no room for it in our conversations anymore. I don't like to upset you, and I never intend to bore you with the same old story. But I can never shake the feeling that this is all somehow my fault, and it takes a lot for me to entertain the idea that maybe I never did anything to deserve this--that sometimes shit happens and people suck for no reason. So I don't know. I really didn't know what to think when you walked away from me last night. I'm still not sure what to make of it. We don't get mad in the same way. I suppose that I don't get mad in the same way that most people do. I'm incapable of staying angry at someone, and I tend to forgive people very easily, arguably too easily. I let it slide all the time because somewhere in my mind I think that everyone deserves as many chances as he desires, but now I'm realizing that some people have never apologized nor asked for another chance. But I give them anyway. I let everything fall on my shoulders, and that's just not good for me. But I don't know how to make this clear to other people. I don't know how to make it reflect the situation accurately. I don't want this kind of thing to keep happening, and I know it's going to unless I do or say something to everyone. Well, almost everyone. I'm sure there are some people who are beyond hope. And even in typing this, I feel like I'm doing it again--like I just keep saying all of this without really knowing what I can do. I have a small idea in my head, but I feel like there are so many other issues that I need to resolve, so many other things or maybe just one big thing that I need to say, that this seems like a minor glitch. However, maybe it's more important. I'm not sure where my priorities should lie, and when stuff like this happens, I'm hesitant to even talk about something that major. It is getting really confusing for me though.
I don't know. I say that way too often to be as "smart" as I am. I wish I could be all fuck-everyone-else all of the time. But sometimes I just need to know that I'm not on some fucking island by myself in the way that I do and see things. Sometimes it really feels that way, so I try to connect in the best way that I can. Not everyone gets this, and it's getting really frustrating. I've been doing my best to address things as they occur instead of letting them slide, but then the roles seem to reverse and no one wants to deal with anything. Argh, I feel like I'm talking to way too many people at once for this to have made any sense at all.
What else? I may not be able to grasp certain intricacies of facial expression all the time, but I learn over time what an individual's unique facial expressions are. I also learn what patterns of inflection and tone of voice correspond with particular feelings and moods. I'm not an idiot. And I don't just imagine these things. And I'm not the only one who has noticed, but naming names is for losers. Hey, I'm trying to be funny here because there's really no way I can be totally serious about it anymore. I don't think it's worth it to try to change some people, and if that's really the way things are, don't expect me to back off either. Back off on what? Being myself. I'm sorry if that makes some people uncomfortable, but you have to learn to deal with it. We all do.