So This is My Life

I spent a good four hours on the phone last night, in the middle of the night. I'm pretty sure my parents hate me. How could you not hate someone that you believe has destroyed your life? After all the things that were said last night, I just don't know how to feel. I don't even know if I can say any more than I have and still make sense. Last night was such an emotional and physical blur. I'm barely functioning today. I missed a class this morning. I woke up 4 or 5 times in the middle of the night, wallowing in sweat and struggling to breathe. I'm supposed to be in class right now, in the lab, but I'm not. My brain just isn't capable of it. I feel like my life is just in a million pieces right now. I didn't need this to happen on Thanksgiving. But now that it has, the worst thing to do is avoid it, which is what I tried to explain to my mom last night. I'm pretty sure that they're not coming out here. In fact, I may never see them again. It's terrifying. I still love them, though I'm not even sure how that's possible at this point. How many times can I be called an idiot and an asshole before I realize that this is all there is? If that's what love is, then I've been misinformed this whole time. I just can't stand listening to them say all these things about my friends anymore. I can't stand the radically conservative bullshit that they spew at me. I wonder if they even listen to how ridiculous the things they say are. This is kind of what makes me want to kill Glenn Beck. I hate when people try to guilt me into things. My mom thinks that everyone is going to laugh at her. She asked me about what my friends would think. I told her. I also told her that if any of them reacted that negatively, then they really aren't my friends. Then when she told me she was going to take the car and drive it into a wall and then just hung up the phone and wouldn't answer at all when I called back three times in a row, I fucking freaked out and couldn't stop screaming. I didn't know what to do because I didn't know what she would do. And now I'm just so afraid to ever go home. I'm so afraid of what will happen if I'm even around my father. My mom may end up hating herself for this, but my dad will end up hating me, if he doesn't already. Yes, I really am afraid. I'm afraid that he'll do something. I'm afraid that I'll let him. And I'm also afraid that I won't. Of course, this is nothing that I can prove. And it's so much more complicated than I'm making it out to be. What can I do when they are just unwilling to try to understand? Yes, that's what they said. The only thing I can do when my father talks is just let him. Even when he asks questions, I don't say anything. And he just keeps on screaming. It clearly doesn't matter what I say. I've learned that sometimes the fight isn't worth it. And maybe this is going to be one of those situations. Maybe I should just give up trying all together. Maybe I have destroyed things. Maybe there is nothing else that I can do. Well, I could just start pretending like it's not happening and lie for their sake like I have been. But I am past that point. I'm past living for them alone. I need to live for myself. And this is killing me. I love my family and don't want to lose them, but if I lose my soul in trying to save a relationship that is only going to be damaging and potentially dangerous for me, I don't think it's worth it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I need to send a letter to my brother before my parents get to him. I need to go see him myself. But that alone terrifies me. I can barely travel Pittsburgh without having some transportation fiasco occur. I'm running out of time. I've been here for two hours and haven't gotten anything done at all, and I could have listened to an entire neuro lecture and gone over the notes in this span of time. I need to talk to people. I need to get this shit done. I'm going to be awake all night. But maybe this is what I need. Maybe I just need to immerse myself in school because this is all that I have left. And who knows? Maybe I won't have that for much longer because I don't know how I'm going to pay for all of this shit if they decide that they don't want to help me anymore.
Message to Mom: If you are reading any of this still, please consider what I'm saying. It's easy to be pissed off at me for things that I am saying here, but why not consider that there might be some truth to them? Why not take what I'm saying and examine it instead of just getting angry and calling me disrespectful and ungrateful? Why not consider that what I'm saying might actually be worth something and that I do know what I'm doing and what I'm talking about? Is there really that much harm in trusting me? You say that I'm only 21 and that I don't know anything at all and that I'm ruining my life. I'm not. I know who I am, I know what I want, and I know that this is going to be one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me.
I wish I could say more. But I need to go to at least one class today. And this is a class where I don't even have to use English.