Streaming Brain Version 2.0

I am not always right. But sometimes I am. The hard part is trying to figure out which time is which. I’m not worried. I am always trying to be better than I was the last time. Lately, that’s all that really matters. I’ve stopped caring about being better than anyone else, but I know that that can change from moment to moment, and I know there are certain times in life when we must compete, when we must thrive or die based upon our abilities to outdo the Other. I’m alone in my apartment. The fall semester does that to me. I feel a lot more alone than I do at any other time. I’m freest in the summer. I wish I could enjoy every day in the way that I enjoy the days of summer. I guess the continuity of the days in the summer is what really felt great. The ability for any day to be just like the others. Not as many classes. You can basically let the day run itself. You don’t have to force it to be something it isn’t supposed to be. Not every day is meant for studying. Not every day is meant for playing. Not every day is meant for working out. Not every day is meant to be “important”. I guess I know all too well about being the square peg in the round hole. It happens to me every day in one way or another, and I’m sure it happens to way more people than even realize it’s happening, and I think that’s rather unfortunate. It’s the same thing with the days. You don’t have to be any one thing in particular either. I’m getting preachy and I need to stop. No idea where I’m headed, and today is one of those days when I think that’s okay. I may have a panic attack about the same thing tomorrow. I’m being reminded lately of the relative importance of actions versus statements. Yes, you can say you believe something or believe in something or want something, but unless you back that up with actions, it means nothing. And it doesn’t always mean taking action against someone. More often than not, it’s not acting at all that sets people apart. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you say you believe something, prove it. You are not God. I do not have to take what you say as fact without demanding proof from you. I expect more from people than mere words, which are sadly thrown about these days. Do you remember when a man’s word was considered to be the strongest bond around? Promises mean nothing anymore because people don’t know what promises are supposed to mean. Am I an idiot for thinking that I should be able to trust people to do what they say and act based on what they say? I’m not naïve. I know that people don’t always do everything that they plan to. But I do know when people are making excuses for things that just aren’t as important to them, trying to save face for whatever reason. I appreciate honesty. I’d much rather hear that I’m not as important to someone as insert-random-thing-here than hear that I really am and that I’m just perceiving things inaccurately. I’m sure everyone knows what I am trying to say. Brutal honesty is something that I admire more than tact. Being tactful, especially with people you think should be good friends/family to you serves absolutely no purpose. You should be able to say anything. In working or productive relationships, it’s even more important. I need to know the truth to help me get things done. I really could care less if you like me or not, and believe me, this is not directed at any individual or group of individuals in particular. This is just a generalization that I’ve been pondering in light of recent circumstances. I am perfectly capable of working alongside people who hate me/whom I hate. We all need to learn how to do it. However, there comes a point when we need to admit to the other person that we’re not too fond of him. It makes things easier in the end. Word spreads quickly when people work very closely with one another, and things that are said spread more quickly than you’d imagine. You may think that people aren’t going to find out about the things you’ve said, but chances are you’re going to be wrong on that point. It’s happened to all of us. I tend to speak with the knowledge that people will find out about what I’m going to say sooner or later, and I’ve stopped caring about offending people. The people that really care are going to know when to take me seriously and when I’m just messing with people. I think one of the most important things I’ve learned in my experience as the token outsider (being cute here, guys) is that when someone brings up a concern to you, the worst thing you can do is dismiss it. When people are genuinely worried about something, the absolute worst thing you can do is say that those concerns are stupid and invalid. Something exists to raise those concerns. Something happened to make the person feel that way. And that’s the real issue that needs to be addressed. Assuaging the immediate blows is important too, but it’s not getting at the root of the problem. If I say something that makes you think I’m an asshole or that I’m wrong, I’m not just going to tell you that I’m not an asshole and that’s that. I’d want to know what I said that made you feel like that and if I did anything else. I’d start looking at myself instead of trying to project the blame onto someone else. I feel like it’s almost time for another dramatic topic shift. I can’t keep my focus on this because all of this seems so simple to me. It’s so basic. It’s the kind of stuff you learn even before you get to college and is hopefully part of the reason why you were able to get into college. College is never about you as an individual. College is about you in relation to other people. Life in general is about you in relation to other people, but I think college is when we start to realize that. High school is very focused on the individual, and we learn to be cutthroat and never to depend on anyone else. We’re taught to want it all and grab it all before the other kid does. That shit gets fucking blasted apart when you get to college. One person is incapable of knowing, doing, or understanding everything. I don’t admit to understanding everyone’s issues. I don’t admit that I understand why people are upset all the time or what causes people to flip shit. But I know that those things are often complicated and involve many layers of problems interacting with one another. Subjectivity.
My head is killing me. It’s been throbbing all day. I’m so excited to go back to the gym tomorrow. I haven’t been there since about a week ago, and that’s really fucking with me. I have a ridiculous attachment to working out. It’s done so much for me, and my body just craves that outlet. I can just keep pushing myself until I can’t go anymore. It relieves my stress. I think that’s one of the reasons why getting sick seems to affect me more severely. On top of the actual illness, I have to deal with the stress of not being able to relieve my normal, everyday stresses. Things just build up. That definitely happened this week. I had no way to get rid of that stress, locked in my fucking room around the clock. And stress alters the way you perceive a situation. Don’t think that your emotions don’t affect you, even when you are supposedly making a rational judgment. And many times there is more than one reasonable, rational explanation for something, and which one we choose to believe depends heavily on how we’re feeling that day. I’m not shitting you.
I never run out of things to say. I could keep going. I could talk about nonsense even. Flying toasters with capes and lightsabers and stuffed animals with interesting personality quirks that keep me awake at night or whatever. But I have to end this at some point. I never stop thinking. And I suppose that makes it hard for me to stop doing anything. You would think the opposite to be true. Sometimes I wish it were that easy to make changes. I might be losing my mind. I’ve thought about that several times in my life. But another part of me thinks I’m extremely aware of everything that’s happening and that I have a fairly accurate take on things. But that might be the crazy part. Who knows? I might be legitimately insane. Doesn’t that make you feel good inside? No, I really only say this because there are some people who would classify me as insane for reasons I haven’t even mentioned. It’s kind of funny how sane I find myself to be these days. I keep looking around at the supposedly normal people surrounding me, and I find a lot of them terribly boring, some of them sociopathic, most of them completely ignorant of the reality of things, etc. We all suck at different stuff, basically. Yes, most people would like to point out that we are all good in our own ways, but I like looking at it from the other end. We are also all not so good in our own ways. And I think it’s important to remember that we all have flaws and that we are going to fuck up, sometimes without realizing it. I actually have no specific situation in mind here, either. I’m really just rambling my ass off because my head hurts way too much to think about what I’m going to type beforehand. My head definitely hurts too much to concentrate on studying for this exam of mine tomorrow, which by the way is going to be horrendous because I haven’t been to class all week, so I have no idea what it’s going to be like. I’m so behind with shit that it’s insane. I wish I could just take a mulligan for this semester, but I’m doing well and don’t want to go through this shit again. Also, I definitely wouldn’t be able to afford that. Fuck, I’m worried about paying for the extra year at all. How is it that I don’t get more money from this fucking university? I think I’m getting a stye in my left eye again. Fuck my life. I can never sleep when that happens. My face is breaking out like mad. I can’t wait for what happens when that gets even worse.
A part of me thought about not posting this. But then I changed my mind. It doesn’t really matter. I read an unpublished post from a friend of mine today. Had he published it, we both would have gotten shit for it. Basically, sometimes people like to talk. They talk and talk about how important something is to them, but then their actions don’t reflect that. Sometimes it happens with student organizations here. You hear hype about what they are supposed to be. You get excited about it, and people within the group will tell you how awesome it is and has been and that there are so many awesome traditions and memories you will share and things you’ll remember for the rest of your life and it goes on and on and on. I am fortunate enough to have experienced groups where this is the case, but I have also been unfortunate enough to have experienced groups that fall short of the ideals they claim to embody. It’s sad. It’s hypocritical. But I do know that there are people trying to keep the spirit alive. It’s not dead yet. And I know people who are really trying to bring the good stuff back. And no matter which group I’m focused on at any point, I really want to be one of those people who has the right idea in mind. I’d like to think that I know what should be.
I’ve been writing for a ridiculous amount of time now, and I really should charge my phone. It’s been a while since I’ve just written though. I can’t complain. I really enjoy having this much to show for the thoughts that are going on in my brain. I really am not motivated to do any work right now, which is awful because I am so far behind on everything. I do not look forward to work this week. I didn’t go at all last week, and I have nothing to show for that amount of time. Blar. Everything only ever happens all at once. And thank you, Roberto, for the infinitely wise statement: Almost never does something always happen. Wow, those two statements could get you into a seriously circuitous train of thought. That’s why I don’t deal with philosophy that much. Not too practical, really. Sometimes it’s fun as a hobby, but if I made that shit my life, I think I’d have to end it.
I wonder if I have any more medicine in this house. Bitch all you want. Shit was weak. Wow, no one is going to get that. But if someone manages to glean some sort of information from that, then the person might be guilty as charged. Dude, I’m seriously not right in the head, but it’s becoming kind of fun and poetic so I might as well keep going.
I need to find a good time to bring up the other important things that have been happening in my life. Maybe there’s a way to connect these two big things together. I feel like they have a lot to do with one another. Roar.
Forgive me for roaring. I’m not actually a lion. But I am a Leo, so I might be. It certainly explains a lot about my personality. But I’m more of a chameleon. It’s a long story, and you probably don’t care about how we came to this conclusion. But it makes sense. And I actually do know someone who is pond scum. Three guesses. We’ll have to convene a meeting of the Unicorn Society if we want to talk about it though.
I think I’ll stop. I really just don’t get bored. That’s going to be a useful skill later in life.
I am very happy with myself for not acting out all of the irrational anger responses that cross my mind, especially those that involve throwing furniture across the room lol
Hooray for self-restraint!
Period. Exclamation Point!
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(descending colon lol)