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I said I would do work when I got to the library, but all I can do is write. I just need to get this crap out of my mind. But there's no way that can happen. This isn't just something I can ignore, like I said. I especially can't ignore the fact that I'll probably be away from my family on Thanksgiving. They're probably going to see my brother without me. I wouldn't be surprised if they turned this around and told him that I didn't want to be there. Or maybe they'd be nice about it and say that I was playing at the WVU game or make up some other bullshit excuse. I don't know. I really do want to see him. And I really don't know what I would do if I were there. It seems like something that he really needs to know since both of my parents know and something terrible is likely to happen if I do end up going and something comes up in conversation. Maybe I should just suck it up and go and sit there in silence the whole time. That's usually what happens when we're all together because when I do say things, nobody agrees with me. Everyone always tries to negate what I say. I'm in college, so I have to be stupid, right? I am really just annoyed with that argument. I go to one of the best universities in the country and my circle of friends includes the best students at that university. We are seriously going to be the leaders of this country, and we're trying to fix all the fuckups of my parents' generation. We're trying to save their asses and our own. We aren't the ones who caused these problems, and we're not the ones who just let them get this bad. When shit doesn't work, you don't just complain about it, you do something about it. I'm doing something about my life. I take charge of things that are important to me. And I always work toward understanding why I'm doing the things that I am. I don't take things like that for granted. You should know why you believe what you believe, why you want what you do. If you know these things for yourself, there is no way that anyone can devalue what you believe. Why do I feel that people hate me so much for knowing what I want and having the balls to do it? I hate knowing that people think that I am crazy because I am doing something that is different AND IT IS MAKING ME HAPPY. Ever since I started this whole thing, I've been way more confident. I've been growing into myself. I'm learning what it means to be a man, in more ways than one. I like where I am going. I know this is right for me. How can people argue with that? How can people just assume that they know what is best for me? They haven't lived in my shoes. This is just one of those things that is very difficult for people to understand if they've never been exposed to it. I wouldn't assume to know what it is like to be a gay black kid. I have no idea what those experiences are like. But I do know what my own experiences are. And I have taken the time to examine them closely.
Somehow I hope this is helpful, for me and for others. I hope that in writing all of this shit, something makes sense to someone, even if that someone is myself a few weeks, months, or years removed from all of this. I know I'll have something to look at a long time from now, and I know I might be able to send someone in the right direction, perhaps my mother, if she ever comes around. I feel like my father never will. There might be a glimmer of hope for my mother, but that's even more unlikely than winning the lottery every day for a year. Actually, I'd love to find out what those chances are, just for shits and giggles.
Again, I should be in class now. But you know, I'd be doing the same thing I am right now. Except right now I have a friend by my side in the library.
I went to work today for two hours, got nothing done, but sat in the office with one of my best friends and ate shitty Chinese food and had a bitchfest. I really needed that. And I know that I'm doing what I need to do now.
My head is full of so much ridiculous shit. And the best thing is knowing that my friends will never abandon me.
Why do New Found Glory songs describe my life so perfectly?
"It's hard to get rejected by the one you most expected to be by your side, your first thought being you should run and hide."
Oh America. We've become the Land of Pretending to be Free. Does anyone even know what that means anymore? Freedom. Does anyone even know why we exist as an independent nation in the first place? Don't get me wrong, I love my country. I love what we are supposed to stand for, and I stand behind those ideals. But the meaning seems to be lost to so many people. I hate being political, so I'll stop. I'm not just talking about party affiliation and all that shit. I rarely ever do because I just don't believe in political parties. Maybe if it worked like it did in other countries, but hey we're so fucking obsessed with binaries here that we might as well weave them in to every aspect of our lives. Argh. My life is ridiculous. I hate it, and I love it.
I would never want to be anyone else.
I've tried to make that as clear as possible, but I guess some people will never understand. I'm fine with that. Just make the effort.
The only thing I ask of anyone is effort.